Close encounter of the middle school kind

Middle school is a point of severe awkwardness for pretty much all parties involved. The awkwardness of body changing, hormones, sexuality, and the defining of cliques. Today I met with a young man at a local middle school because his counselor wanted him to meet someone else like him, someone else transgender. The conversation was kind of awkward but not in a bad way. I ended up sharing a bit of my story and journey so far with him. He asked questions, the counselor asked questions, and I responded. It may seem more like they were interviewing me but there was some mutual sharing going on. Also if you saw the way this young man was soaking up what I was saying you would have been in awe like I am. He took what I said and you could tell that he was genuinely processing the information. I think some of my story helped him understand a bit more and helped him see that no matter how different he seemed or felt, you can still lead a good life full of happiness and love.

This young man also inspires me. To be so brave at 14 to admit to being something so very different from the norm is incredible. I wish I had his courage. He also taught me that even the lows of my story are important because my lows in relation to my highs are what show that good things do happen. I am thankful that I got the opportunity to speak with him. I do hope that I can be as brave as him when I grow up.

Long Distance Relationships

Suck. That is the very first thing that comes to mind when thinking about those three words. I am in one currently but it will only be long distance for another year or so. It is rough but I am in love with her and we are committed to each other.

For those who want to know how to make them work, well I may disappoint you. Long distance relationships are not for everyone or every relationship. It takes patience from both people in the relationship and a commitment to each other. There needs to be trust as well as honesty. My fiancee pretty much knows what I am up to at any given point in my day and not because she asks but because I want her to know and feel comfortable that I am her's. You can have secrets and plans but they cannot be things that you are not willing to share with them at some point (for example when planning a date or a surprise for them for a visit or present). Another key ingredient is communication. The advantage of being in a long distance relationship in this current time is that social media and other advance in the internet make it easy to stay in touch. You do not necessarily need to be in contact with each other as much as my fiancee and I are but talking to each other everyday is important. I would recommend either skyping for a bit everyday or a phone call. There is so much more that can be conveyed by your voice that a text cannot provide. Set aside time once or more a week just for the two of you to have a "date" together. Whenever my fiancee is on her own for dinner I try to be sure that I can be there to skype and have dinner with her. We also watch the same TV show together or play online games together. Do little things to help keep the relationship going. Another aspect of being honest means being honest when something they are doing is making you uncomfortable (I am not the greatest about this). Be sure to have an open conversation about boundaries with each other. When you do get to spend time physically with each other be sure that you have both time alone with each other as well as with others. The alone time is important for the obvious reasons as well as allowing you to just enjoy the closeness of the other person. Being around others as a couple helps foster both independence and interdependence as well as helping to continue to get to know each other better.

Long distance relationships do suck but they have rewards if you stick through them. If the relationship lasts  through the distance then it has grown and become fairly strong. It also makes it easier later on in life if there is a need for one person to be away for any amount of time. The biggest reward in the end is the appreciation that you have gained for the closeness of that other person. Every single touch, kiss, and moment is that much sweeter because of the times you had missed having it.

Why Aidyn?

I often get the question after people learn more about me and who I am, why did I choose the name Aidyn? Before I decided on a name I actually went through a number of channels to find the right one. The first was asking my parents what they would have named me had I been a boy. They had picked Andrew, which just didn't seem to fit. I didn't feel like I was similar to any Andrews that I knew. Then I asked my friends what they would pick as their boy names, the names for their future male children, and what they thought my name would be. I got a great deal of names and the ones specifically picked as potentially being mine all began with the letter "A." So from there I began looking at a bunch of different boys names that started with the letter A. I tried a few of them on but still nothing seemed to quite click. I realized that the power behind a name is the meaning. My birth name had meaning because it is the name that my parents had both decided on and it had meaning to them. Therefore my new name had to have meaning to me. I went through the names that I had thought of for my potential future children and those had meaning but not as my name. 

I ended up talking to various professors that I had while at Lynchburg about what was in a name. The more I talked to them the more I began to look into names tied strongly to different cultures. I looked through German names, Italian, English, and finally settled on Irish names. Gaelic names have strong ties to Irish heritage and have meaning behind them. One day while I was reading through boy names I found Aiden/Aidan. In Gaelic Aiden means "fiery one." I thought that the meaning was appropriate because, even though often docile, I have strong passions that drive me to be very animated when need be. However, while I loved the meaning I wanted to make the spelling fit me. I played around with it, writing in various styles and changing letters around. I had the sheet of paper I was using with me in class and one of my classmates leaned over to see what I was doodling and pointed to Aidyn written in a combination of harsh pointed lines and soft curves. She whispered,"That's the one." At first it caught me off guard because I wasn't aware that she had clued into what I had been doing. As I looked at the paper, at the word (it was still just a word at that point) I realized that she was right. As we were leaving class she got up and stood next to me while I was packing up and she said,"See you Wednesday, Aidyn. Oh and I like that name." The moment I heard Aidyn used in reference to me, it fit. It was no longer just a word but my identity. 

Every storm runs out of rain

There are a few things that you can expect of the weather when living in South Florida. The first being that it is a humid hot outside of the winter months. The second, that people who live here think that the 60's is freezing and dress as if it might snow. The third, and most dependable, is that once May roles around you can expect rain at some point everyday until around October/November.

I happen to love storms. Some of my fondest memories, both from childhood and adulthood, have involved playing in the rain. I can remember being little and splashing puddle to puddle being sure to absolutely soak whoever was walking near me. I can also remember one birthday where it was a sleepover and there was a bad storm. So bad that the rain was flooding the ditches causing the water to cap over the driveways. So naturally we had to go jump around and lay in the ditches. I also remember running up and down the street with my dad, jumping in the pot holes and playing in the ditches. Tons of rainy days at Lynchburg College were spent out on the Dell, on the track, outside the theatre, and even on the sand volleyball court. The most recent memory being that of playing in the rain with my fiancee and taking pictures of the two of us.

Now that I live somewhere with reliable rain, I have yet to find someone who still embraces that childhood wonderment of playing in the rain and letting the drops splash against your face. I often get strange looks when I go outside barefoot and kick at the puddles while just letting the rain fall down over me. I still enjoy it and sometimes I want to just shake people and ask them why being an adult (without kids) means that our fun can't be something as simple as playing in the rain or playing tag. I feel that forgetting how to be a kid drives people to a place where stress is something nearly impossible to deal with. I know too many people near my age that when they have had a rough week/day/what have you, they quickly turn to wanting to go have a drink (and I don't mean high-c) or that they want to go to the club/bar/etc. Sometimes it makes me question if I am even more of an oddball then I originally thought but I enjoy just reading a book, building with some small lego sets, playing games, and playing in the rain (oh and watching Darkwing Duck and A Pup Names Scooby-Doo).

I hope that I get the chance to keep having my kid moments. I never want to loss my sense of wonder or my enjoyment of the rain falling against my face. I want to have memories that I am not afraid to share with my future children and those people (both colleagues and students) that I work with.

So on that note I leave you to go see if it is still raining and to hop from puddle to puddle if it is.

The loss of the Southern Gentleman

This may not be a surprise to some, the majority of Florida is not truly a part of the South. Now that I have lived in Miami for nearly a year I can say with near certainty that the culture here does not lend itself to the idea of the Southern Gentleman. In fact the evolving culture of the U.S. in general is moving away from the idea of the gentleman.

Popular culture dictates that women should want men who are bad and degrading and the male population is moving steadily toward that. It breaks my heart when I hear men (mostly of a younger age) say that they "want bitches" and that women "just want the d." However, it is funny because those same guys will turn around to their boys when a girl leaves them or puts them in the "friendzone" and that girls/women keep complaining about their exes being "assholes" and that they want a nice guy but then pass them over. If you were a nice guy you would speak about women in a respectful way no matter who your audience is.

I also read an article recently about a study done on men and women in the U.S. dealing with how they perceive relationships. Overall more men wanted physical relationships over romance and when asked what their current or most recent relationship needed more of the majority said sex. Where is the romance and other affection? That same study also said that women really want men to ask them out on an actual date, not a "group hang" or something non-commital. A date where the guy plans out the activities, like dinner here and then a movie followed by ice cream in the park. It is pretty sad when the very basic thing of just asking a women out is something that they feel is a top need for bringing more romance into things.

It doesn't take much effort to be gentlemanly. Really all you need to do is be mindful of how you speak to and about people, do the simple kind things like holding the door open for someone or thanking them when they hand you something or let you through, etc. Being a gentleman doesn't require someone to go out of their way to do extravagant things. In a romantic relationship it could be something as simple as opening the car door for your partner, pick them some flowers, make a couple sandwiches and put together a super simple picnic. Most of all being a gentleman is about being respectful and kind to others. I personally also believe that by being a gentleman you gain good karma and if you don't believe in karma then being a gentleman will make you feel better.

So as the Southern Gentleman becomes increasingly rare it is important to acknowledge those that are being gentleman from any region and encourage them. From a gentleman to another when you treat others with respect, your whole life reaches another level of fulfillment.

Simply "T"

Now for those that are RuPaul buffs or who are deeply embedded into drag culture, I do not mean "T" as in the "No T, no shade" kind of "T." I'm writing more towards the "T" that has come to be a significant part of my identity, the "T" of LGBTQA (and all of the other letters involved and adopted).

As I stated in my brief introduction, I am transgender specifically a transsexual female to male (FTM). The journey for me to reach the conclusion that I am FTM but also to the point that I am comfortable with being FTM.

I always knew that I was fairly masculine but until my sophomore year at Lynchburg College I thought that I was just a "butch" lesbian. Even that didn't seem right though. The lesbian part was fine because I was emotionally, sexually, physically, mentally, and relationally attracted to women but I myself did not feel like a woman. It wasn't just that I liked doing things that typically are attributed as masculine things, I thought and innately behaved male. I saw myself as male not female. It hurt whenever I was forced to acknowledge that I wasn't male. After coming to terms with all of that and dealing with coming out, taking it back, coming out again, and starting my transition, it was time to decide if I was going to do everything to pass as a man and never again mention my trans identity or own that part of my life.

Now this whole owning it thing is tough. There are certain places and certain people that I may never share about me, but those are for very specific reasons. However, if I were to hide it from essentially everyone than I feel like I would be in no better position than before. Disclosure isn't the first thing I do when I meet someone new though. It isn't,"Hi, my name is Aidyn and I am not biologically male." Things seem to go over better when I get to know the person better and share other aspects of my life. It also allows me to determine if they are someone I want to share that information with. I know some people know about me either from knowing people that I have told or who grew up in the same areas as me or by reading things like this blog. I try to be open about who I am but sometimes sharing that information can do damage and not just to myself. I have to think about my family, my fiancee, and my friends. While some of them may not think about how outing my transgender identity can impact them, others, or myself I have to. If someone finds out that really shouldn't it could bring physical, emotional, and material attacks. I am constantly aware of what people are doing around me for fear that they may know and take it out on me or someone I love. You can call me paranoid but it has happened, I have been assaulted because the wrong people found out about me. First, it was because I identified as a lesbian, then it was because I was starting my transition. But I can't let that fear keep me from being who I am, it just means that for the time being I have to be cautious about what is going on and that's ok.

I don't want to end on an unhappy chord. I will tell you that I typically pass for a male and very few people question my fiancee and I. In fact even she had no idea that I wasn't a biological male when we first met (I did tell her prior to us dating). I am also happy, while there is one major thing still standing in my way (other then a beard), I am happy. Once I reached that point where I understood my identity not only as a male but a transman, my soul/spirit/what have you came to some semblance of peace (although I will be more at peace once I have my surgery).

What are we leaving behind? What are we creating?

This past January when I walked into the Multicultural Programs and Services office at FIU, I was walking into an experience that I had yet to realize would change the way I shaped my experiences. I was walking into a meeting with my now supervisor and mentor, Gisela Vega. We were meeting to discuss my goals, expectations, and intentions behind wanting to do a practicum in the LGBTQA Initiatives suboffice. Once we got through the paperwork and general questions, before we reached my goals and expectations, she looked at me from across her desk and asked,"What do you want to be your legacy for this position, for FIU?" At first the question caught me off guard because leaving a legacy was not something I was intending, I wanted to get in learn somethings, build my portfolio, and make connections. It had never occurred to me that I could leave a legacy behind. That single moment triggered a new way of thinking for me, what am I leaving behind when I leave here?

That question continues to sit in the back of my mind as I move forward into another office, another class, another role, but it has also permeated the way I see the world as a whole. What are we, those currently guiding and leading, leaving behind? In 2113 when students in school are learning about what we went through and what we have done in response, what will they see? Will they see the advances in technology for improved healthcare or will they see the use of technology to control and destroy others? Will we be a culture and time shown as hateful and destructive with few glimmers of hope and good?  What legacy are we leaving for our future? I can't answer these questions but I can look at how the news has gone the past few months and see mostly things that would scare me or make me think that this point in our history is more negative then positive.

 That also leads to my second question, what are we creating? In my Contemporary Issues class we talk about how we as a nation are creating individuals dependent on social media and how it has even found it's way into psychiatric diagnoses. While I am a victim of this social media craze I can also see how it may become a true detriment to our future. Are we going to continue to create a culture that is based heavily on instant gratification? Does exposure to the way media works, based on sex sales and disaster generates viewer attention, change the speed at which our children grow up? We already live in a culture (speaking specifically to America) where girls think that getting pregnant at a young age will land them on TV, that acting wild and doing things that reasonably seem stupid (for lack of better term) will help make them famous. Are we creating a culture and future generations that will not even think about the past, that will be so self-absorbed and focused on now that they are worse off then we currently are?

So not only do I wonder what I am leaving behind for others but I also wonder once I become a father what kind of values and such will I leave with my children? Traditionally people say that your children are your legacy, they are an extension of you with the intentions of them being better. So when thinking about what kind of people I want my children to be the answer is rather simple in my mind. I want to instill in them the values of knowledge for knowledge sake, true interpersonal interaction, caring, social justice, a drive to their passions, honesty, enjoyment of the little things (even little kid things like tag and watching Darkwing Duck), openness, and a love for life that is based on appreciation for what is natural and organic (both in nature and within the human spirit). There are other things that would be nice for them to learn and believe but I would not want to limit them in their on life adventure (especially before they are even born...well they haven't been conceived yet either).

In case you were wondering I am working on my legacy for FIU. I helped create and implement a campus wide pronoun campaign that kicked off on April 5th and is slowing working its way around. I am also working on a transgender 101 style educational program to be used as well. I have also learned that I leave a little legacy with everyone I interact with and get the chance to educate about transgender issues or even just by being me and giving them a kind smile or a helping hand.

A brief introduction

For those who know me, they know a few key facts that may be important to understanding why I share what I share and where I stand on various issues. So for those who don't know much about me I will try and quickly get you up to speed (no worries there will not be a quiz on the material covered and most things about me are likely to be explained in greater depth in the future). First things first, I am a transgender female to male, more specifically I am a transsexual female to male, even more specifically I am currently a pre-op transsexual female to male. I am straight by definition of I am a male who likes females (one in particular). I am Buddhist, specifically of the Tibetan variety. I am an activist for Human rights. I am a graduate student at Florida International University in Miami studying Higher Education Administration. I attended Lynchburg College in Virginia for my undergrad career. I am a City Year Miami Corps member for the 13-14 school year. I am in love with body art and piercings. I am also engaged to a wonderful and loving woman. Now that is not all of who I am but it should give you a general understanding of where I come from when I speak on different issues.

Why here? Why now?

I have always done better writing my words and thoughts down. Things seem to make more sense this way. I had been using Tumblr for a long time but I decided it was time to move away from the things that shaped my younger years and start a clean slate. So, here I am in this new frame and this new space to begin again. I can not promise that my writing will provide some magical breakthrough or that you will even be interested in what I have to say but I'm still going to say it. I can promise that I will be honest with you.

 I want to tell my story. To share the good, the bad, and the ugly so to speak. Maybe by sharing my story I can help someone find their voice to share theirs, maybe I can help someone figure out that they are not alone. It took me nearly too long to find my voice and I had almost lost it for good. So here I am voicing what makes me Aidyn and how I got to the point I am in. I am going to try my best to post everyday but you know how things get.