Now for those that are RuPaul buffs or who are deeply embedded into drag culture, I do not mean "T" as in the "No T, no shade" kind of "T." I'm writing more towards the "T" that has come to be a significant part of my identity, the "T" of LGBTQA (and all of the other letters involved and adopted).
As I stated in my brief introduction, I am transgender specifically a transsexual female to male (FTM). The journey for me to reach the conclusion that I am FTM but also to the point that I am comfortable with being FTM.
I always knew that I was fairly masculine but until my sophomore year at Lynchburg College I thought that I was just a "butch" lesbian. Even that didn't seem right though. The lesbian part was fine because I was emotionally, sexually, physically, mentally, and relationally attracted to women but I myself did not feel like a woman. It wasn't just that I liked doing things that typically are attributed as masculine things, I thought and innately behaved male. I saw myself as male not female. It hurt whenever I was forced to acknowledge that I wasn't male. After coming to terms with all of that and dealing with coming out, taking it back, coming out again, and starting my transition, it was time to decide if I was going to do everything to pass as a man and never again mention my trans identity or own that part of my life.
Now this whole owning it thing is tough. There are certain places and certain people that I may never share about me, but those are for very specific reasons. However, if I were to hide it from essentially everyone than I feel like I would be in no better position than before. Disclosure isn't the first thing I do when I meet someone new though. It isn't,"Hi, my name is Aidyn and I am not biologically male." Things seem to go over better when I get to know the person better and share other aspects of my life. It also allows me to determine if they are someone I want to share that information with. I know some people know about me either from knowing people that I have told or who grew up in the same areas as me or by reading things like this blog. I try to be open about who I am but sometimes sharing that information can do damage and not just to myself. I have to think about my family, my fiancee, and my friends. While some of them may not think about how outing my transgender identity can impact them, others, or myself I have to. If someone finds out that really shouldn't it could bring physical, emotional, and material attacks. I am constantly aware of what people are doing around me for fear that they may know and take it out on me or someone I love. You can call me paranoid but it has happened, I have been assaulted because the wrong people found out about me. First, it was because I identified as a lesbian, then it was because I was starting my transition. But I can't let that fear keep me from being who I am, it just means that for the time being I have to be cautious about what is going on and that's ok.
I don't want to end on an unhappy chord. I will tell you that I typically pass for a male and very few people question my fiancee and I. In fact even she had no idea that I wasn't a biological male when we first met (I did tell her prior to us dating). I am also happy, while there is one major thing still standing in my way (other then a beard), I am happy. Once I reached that point where I understood my identity not only as a male but a transman, my soul/spirit/what have you came to some semblance of peace (although I will be more at peace once I have my surgery).
This is awesome I am sorry for the pain some have caused but proud you are being who you are. So many people today are fake, follow who you are your dreams and your heart those who care will stand by you, those who don't well they will be left behind.
ReplyDeleteMuch respect to you